What the hell were they doing in there? That’s not enough time to coil one or crimp one off. So I did a bit of investigation by hidden-micing the toilets and discovered a new phenomenon that I’ve named “Speed Pooing”.

Upon entering the toilet cubicle women set a mental stopwatch counting - they become hyperactive robots and perform the seat wipe, trousers and trolleys down, slash, crimp, oops hang on there’s a second chunk, wipe, dab, trousers up and gone in under 90 seconds. It’s amazing and it’s all because they are worried that you may notice that they’ve been such a long time they must have been squeezing a big one out.

Now if your bird is training her bowels to work at an unhealthy rate she could end up with a hernia. Who’s going to do the cooking and ironing (that you always have to compliment even though it’s shite) then?

The solution – The Respect your Rectum five second slogan. A rhyme that she must say during the crimping that prevents excess pressure from being used.

“One chunk, not two chunks, three chunks or four. Let it coil naturally to prevent anal sores”

Girls, enjoy your movement – it’s an exquisite art, and we all know that you can’t rush art.